Confessions of an Introverted Dad (and Stop Calling Me Shy)
This post is a bit of a confessional on a topic that I think many of us struggle with but few of us actually talk about.
I am an introvert. There, I said it.
Is being an introvert bad? Because it sure feels like it sometimes. I'm not sure why, though. I'm still a good person, a good employee and at least a decent dad. But the moment you say you like to spend time alone sometimes, people start to label you. I am not shy; but I am an introverted dad, and I'm okay with that.
Introversion is both a blessing and a curse.
I really try to keep Dadtography.com as positive as possible. But this is something I really struggle with, so I hope you're okay with a post that's a little different than previous ones on here. You may or may not know this, but I am actually an introverted dad.
If you've met me in person, that may come as a surprise to you because I'm not shy - I'm introverted. Yes, there's a difference.
Well, being an introvert and a blogger makes for a bit of an interesting combination. I started my first blog back in 2007. Back then I blogged as "Memoirs of a Single Dad", mostly because I wanted a place to write down my thoughts. I didn't ever go too over the top, but I got pretty honest about how I was feeling about some pretty sensitive topics, like dating, co-parenting and relationships in general. My blog was my voice; it felt like (and was, for the most part) my safe place.
This topic has been weighing on me for quite a while, though. And it was recently stirred up for a couple of reasons. First, I want to share a bit about how I gathered up the courage to post about this topic.
Facebook is a place for dads to share, commiserate & learn.
So there's this super secret (maybe not) Facebook group for daddy bloggers, of which I'm a member. I mostly just lurk, reading other (more extroverted, apparently) dad's posts as they interact about all sorts of things - from parenting, to relationships to travel (like going to Dad 2.0).
What happens in this group, stays in this group and that's really what I like about it.
Another dad in the group, Lorne, posts every once in a while. I even sent him a copy of my Memoirs of a Dating Dad book for an event he was helping to organize. I don't really "know" Lorne, but I kinda feel like I do.
I kinda feel like Lorne and I would be friends, IRL. You know. If we met. Except, of course, he lives in New York City and I live a few hundred miles away in Orlando, Florida.
Lorne is very open about his struggles with depression and about being a primary care-giver in his household. I see some of myself in Lorne, and I get the feeling he may be an introverted daddy blogger like me.
What does it mean to be an introvert?
As dads, and as men I think many of us feel like we should always be strong - we can't show weakness. Well, I have weaknesses, too. I can't be strong all the time. One of my weaknesses is that I'm a pretty introverted person.
Now, don't mis-interpret what I'm saying here. I'm not shy, per se. I actually love talking to people, just not to everyone (as in, strangers). I can talk for hours about topics I'm passionate about (pick any of the dozens I write about on here, for example). I also think I'm a pretty articulate person and I make it a point to be a good listener, too.
My wife? Yeah, she's pretty much the exact opposite and can talk to anyone about absolutely nothing and look super graceful doing it, too! She has hundreds of friends (real friends, I mean. Not just Facebook friends) that she talks to all the time. You should see her itinerary map when she makes her yearly trip back to visit friends and family in Ohio. It makes me dizzy.
I'm not like my wife, though. I'm articulate and funny and compassionate and a good listener, but I don't have hundreds of friends. I have, like...three. Maybe. If you count my dog, Brutus and my boys I have six.
I have six close friends (if you count my sons and dog).
Sometimes I'm okay with this fact and sometimes I'm not. I've never had a ton of friends - I'm just not wired that way. But when you're younger, I think it's much easier to meet new friends than it is as you get older. I go to my job (where I have a few friends) and I come home, and that's about the extent of 80% of my life.
If you're sitting there, thinking to yourself, "Just go meet some new friends!", I have to say it's not that simple. I know a lot of people - as do most of us. It's just so much more difficult for me to make that leap from acquaintances to friends, for some reason.
I think I first struggle with the possibility of being rejected. I'm not sure why - I don't really consider myself to be an insecure person. But the idea that I'd open up and reach out to someone and they'd say, "thanks, but no thanks" honestly scares the crap out of me.
I don't know why. I know people don't typically behave like that and my fears are likely irrational.
I admit it. I struggle with being an introvert.
I think I also struggle with the idea of losing friends. My friends are very dear to me; I probably don't say that enough to them. Loss is something that I really am petrified by, to be honest. I think about my best friends from high school almost every day, but I rarely take the time to reach out and say that.
Why is that? Why don't I just call them? I honestly hate talking on the phone, but there are other methods of communication, right? I think I try to keep most people at arms length, largely because of my own inner fears.
Are you an introverted dad or mom, too?
If you are - that's okay! There's nothing wrong with you, either and I'd be willing to bet you and I would make fast friends. I know I'm not alone, but I still feel like I am. I know that people care about me and consider me their friend, but I sometimes forget about that. I know that friendships are two-way streets, I just sometimes don't know how to reach out to them in the right ways to let them know how much my friends really do mean to me.
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Makes a lot of sense that we got along so well when we met in October. All I can say is, at least you have a dog. I am not a person with friends. I have people that I work with, my family and people at the gym. Of those groups I can count on my one hand the number I would consider friends. Then I have online friends whom are much closer to me than people I used to count on as friends. High School friends. The thing is, with my High School friends when I see them it is as if nothing has changed, which is not a good thing. The same stories, jokes and personal mentality of my friends has turned me off to spending any time with them. I spend much of my time in my own head. Earbuds are my friend. I don’t engage as much as maybe I should. For instance, I take my son to school and pick him up. I say hello to the people in line picking up their kids. There was a birthday party today and my wife took my son since I work and sleep on the weekends. Tonight at dinner she came home and knew the names of a bunch of parents and so much about them. I spent the better part of a day walking around Epcot with you and couldn’t tell her even half of what she knew about the parents at the birthday party. Mostly because I don’t ask questions. It is one of my biggest shortcomings. I figure that many questions are stupid so I don’t ask them. I don’t subscribe to the, there are no stupid questions, mentality. There are a ton of stupid questions. So I don’t want to appear stupid so I don’t ask. Then I don’t get to know people enough to make that connection with them. I guess what I’m saying is that I get you man. I do. You aren’t the only introverted dad out there.
Thanks for taking the time to leave a comment, Andrew. I know I’m not the only one, for sure. I guess I wanted to write this partly because I know there’s nothing “wrong” with me, per se. But also because I wanted to make sure there’s nothing wrong with me. 🙂 People are busy; I’m busy, you’re busy. Everyone’s busy. But many people still make time to find friends. I just…don’t. Or haven’t. Or can’t. I think I can. Sometimes I want to have more friends, but honestly sometimes I just don’t, too. I am really going to try to make it to Dad 2.0 in 2017, because I think I’d be able to make some new friends there, for sure. A few real connections would make me happy. I regret not going this year because I think that could have really been a jump start to some (sorta) relationships that I have. I am not the only introverted dad (or parent), and I am pretty sure I’m not the only one that struggles with how to be a little less introverted, too. Thanks again for your comment!
Thanks for writing this article for me, literally. I could probably copy this article and say I wrote it and the people that know me would think I did. You and I are a lot alike. This is probably why we were such good friends in high school before life sent us on different journeys.
An introvert I am. Imagine being in the car business as I am. My job is to talk and work with complete strangers every day. Is it weird to say that I love the car business but loath everything it involves?
Sadly, at this point in my life I’ve never developed any new, true friends beyond those I was close to back in high school. You, Mark and Randy… Randy being the only one I ever get together with on occasion though.
However, I’m certain that even though 20 plus years have passed, you and I could pick right up where we left off.
People who aren’t introverts can not possibly understand us. It’s not an us vs them though. It’s just a slightly different way of going about life.
I, for one, would fare really well by myself for months on end with no other human contact. Maybe I’m a hermit deep down… but I can still have fun in a crowd.
You are not alone, my friend. Right now our focus is on family. Some day curcumstances may chance and you will find yourself, as I hope to find, another close network of friends to enjoy the trappings of life with on a more frequent level.
“Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools because they have to say something. ” -unknown
Wow…just. Wow. I definitely had you in mind as I was writing this, my friend. I really had no idea you were an introvert, though. No idea. Would you say you’ve always been that way? Or did “growing up” make you this way? And I really had no idea you found yourself in a very similar situation to me. I just kept having this nagging feeling that there’s something wrong with me that I don’t always (or often…or ever) like being around people. Now, that’s not true, I do occasionally like being around people. But I could also definitely go months at a time and be perfectly fine without (most) human interaction. I’m not depressed – at least not any more than a “normal” person would be, I don’t think. I’m actually quite content, both personally and professionally. I would like more friends, if those new friends could be awesome and not annoying, petty or dumb. But otherwise, I’ll just stick with the 6 I have TYVM. That said, if you ever find your way down to Florida, I’ll always have a seat open at my table for ya (and the fam, too, of course)!
Introvert since birth I think. Lol. I always got the funny looks from people at various training events where they had you take those personality tests. It always came back that I was an introvert. They couldn’t understand how I’ve been successful doing what I do with a personality like mine. Who knows? Lol
If Orlando ever is in the mix for us, you bet we will be meeting up!
Enjoy your articles. Keep it up!
Great Post!!! I especially like when you say “Now, don’t mis-interpret what I’m saying here. I’m not shy, per se. I actually love talking to people, just not to everyone (as in, strangers). I can talk for hours about topics I’m passionate about (pick any of the dozens I write about on here, for example).” That statement is my life exactly. I have 1 close friend outside of my family, and it took a couple years for that relationship to develop. I love sociallizing, as long as it will be with people I know. It is really hard for me to include a new person into the conversation, because I am not sure how they will react to me. Meeting my wife was fate, because I didn’t go anywhere to actually meet people and develop friendships. That would have meant opening myself up for rejection and ridicule, and there was no one in my immediate circle that I was interested in. When my wife reads this article, I am sure she will look at me and say “How does this guy know you so well?” I just recently discovered the top secret daddy blogger group, and I love it. Thanks for writing this. It is nice to know I am not the only one.
Thank you, Alex! It’s nice to hear this from a “stranger”, too. Not that the opinions of Shayne (my best friend from high school) and Andrew (a fellow imagelogger and awesome dad blogger) don’t count, but hearing you say “hey, me too” helps considerably. I never really considered my introversion a problem or odd, but I did always yearn to be different. I see others (like my wife) that have hundreds of friends and a PART of me wants that, too. I think it’s okay to be introverted. Heck, in some ways, I think it’s BETTER to be introverted than extroverted. But the bottom line is that it helps to define who I am, and I just have to be okay with that.
My wife HATES that I don’t ask questions. I’m so with you on that. I’ve sat here for a long time and wondered “what the hell is wrong with me? Why can’t I get up and be the life of the party like everyone else, laugh at all the jokes, and generally act crazy? ” living in a multi family house as the SOLO introvert has been quite the draining experience. Really appreciate you writing this article Mr Ruyter. Let me know that maybe I’m not as crazy as I was starting to believe I was.
Great post! I’m an introverted mom. PTA events are hard for me as are other social events.But I’m not shy. It takes me time to open up. I could relate to a lot of what you wrote. In fac,t I wrote a post on ‘Are introverts misunderstood?’ on my blog if you fancy a read.
Thanks for commenting and sharing. I appreciate it!