Co-Parent Dad: Tales of a Second-Class Parent
I'm going to try not to sound like some bleeding heart but, in reality my heart is bleeding - you just can't see it. I've been keeping a few secrets from you and it's been hard. I understand if you want to break up and never come back to my site again, but I really think you should hear me out.
I've been struggling with something for the past few months that I feel like I need to let out or I'm going to burst. This whole co-parenting thing is a lot more difficult than I thought it would be! Yeah, nice revelation there, huh? From coordinating schedules, school responsibilities (and school...um, challenges - to say the least - more on that some other time) and even just dealing with the every day has become such a headache in my co-parenting relationship with my son's mother. On my side, it all stems from the divorce agreement I signed a few years ago or rather, what ISN'T in the agreement that should be.
Use code DADTOGRAPHY and save $10 off your order!
Primary Parent, Secondary Parent
Attorneys are NOT created equal - I learned that lesson the hard way. My divorce lasted nearly 3 years and left me feeling completely drained and devalued. I felt at the time as if it were sucking the life straight out of me. It was partly my fault for dragging my feet at first; I'm not exactly sure why. But then once the ball did get rolling it felt like a knife was being stuck into me at every step of the process. I was worn out. I couldn't take it any more. So, I settled on things I probably shouldn't have just to get it over with and for the pain to stop. Little did I know, the legal-ease at the time would stack the chips against me even more than I realized (or than my attorney explained).
[bctt tweet="Divorce attorneys are not created equally. Choose your counsel wisely! #DivorceAdvice"]
At the time, Florida divorce law still used what many consider legacy wording that provides for a 'primary' and 'secondary' parent. The wording has since shifted from the primary/secondary to what they call parenting plans now. The core language is more equal now than just a few years ago. The language of primary and secondary are no longer used. Unfortunately, I'm stuck with the status quo unless I can successfully modify my agreement.
What did primary and secondary mean, exactly? Well, I was responsible for child support, naturally. I've never missed a payment yet and never will, God willing. I'm responsible for providing health insurance and 58% of uncovered medical expenses. Not a huge deal - that's not what bothered me at all. What did bother me is that I had been relegated to the parental backseat. For example, I have to request time with my son on holidays well in advance. I understand the need to schedule in advance but, "Can I see my son from 3pm - 6pm?" isn't something that a parent that's been involved since the beginning should be required to ask of the 'primary' parent. The best part? "Nope!" can be the answer with little recourse on my part - and it's happened. Twice.
It's All Downhill From Here
In March of 2011 I filed a petition to amend my custody and child support agreement for a few reasons:
- First, I wanted to get that skewed verbiage changed. I'm a good dad and I want to be treated like a parenting equal.
- I want a fair shake in parenting my son.
- I shouldn't have to ask permission to see my child - that right should be a given for me. I really think that's best for my son as well.
- I want more time with my son - and he wants that too. I asked him before I filed. There was no sense in trying to change things if he didn't want them changed.
When both parents are 'fit' parents and they live within relative close proximity of each other is there a (good) reason why time with the child(ren) shouldn't be split 50/50? I can't think of a single one. My son needs a strong father-figure in his life and a positive, supportive mother in his life as well. I think he's owed that much.
My Story Isn't Over Yet.
This story isn't over yet, obviously. It's just getting started. I know a lot of others are going through something similar, so I'll try to share some of my experiences along the way, as I work through my quest to modify my support and visitation agreement. If you've got experiences of your own when going through a divorce, please feel free to share them in the comments below or you can contact me directly if you'd like to keep things more private.
Thanks for being there for me. I'd like to be there for you, too. Are you caught up in a skewed co-parenting situation as well? What are your experiences in dealing with the courts during a divorce or when filing a petition to amend your support agreement and/or parenting schedule? Do you think both parents should, by default, have equal rights unless there's a clear reason for them not to?
I'd love to hear about your situation, too. Please share your thoughts in the comments below.
I am thankful everyday that I don’t have to deal with this situation and I’m sorry you have to be going through it. You ARE a good dad – don’t let the title demote you in anyway – your son knows the truth no matter how it plays out. There should be no reason you can’t have what you want, it’s just a matter of patience and how long it lasts – our great system makes it so you want to give up – DON’T!!
Thanks, Coffee Lovin’ Mom. I do get discouraged sometimes. I know there are plenty of douche bag dads out there that don’t want to be involved, don’t pay their child support and have to be chased down to see their children on special occasions – if at all! That’s not me; never has been and never will be. I understand some states’ laws were written to protect the children and mothers from this type of situation, but when dads are actually good dads it really stacks the chips against us when the core language of the family court laws is slanted toward the mother. You have to prove you’re worthy rather than that being the assumption and having to prove otherwise. I really appreciate you taking the time to read and comment!
Good luck with your petition!! I have been co-parenting my 2 older children (now 11 & 14) for 10 years now – 50/50. While I selfishly wish it were not 50/50, I know in my heart it is best for the kids. Some days are better than others, but at least I know I am doing everything I can in the situation. Keep us posted!!
Thanks for sharing your story. You’ve very honest about your feelings. I think it’s great that you want to be an involved parent because so many dads are out of the picture when it comes to divorces. At least you care enough to be there for your son. Hope the petition works out and your ex realizes this is what’s best for your son.
Daniel,
I sooo understand what you are going through and I don’t think you need worry that anyone would judge you and not want to come back to your site. You seem like a wonderful parent and not a second-class parent at all. All things are not equal in divorce. In my case, it was the one with the money who seemed to win out. However in the end, now that my kids are grown and gone, they tell me all the time how much they love me and what a great mom I was. Fight for your time but make sure your son doesn’t suffer from the fight. I can tell that you are going about this in a healthy manner for his sake.
Blessings dear one!
~Erin
Hi Daniel,
Thanks for putting up this post and standing up for the rights of dads.
Unfortunately, the courts seem to default primary parenting duties to the mother, without giving dad a fair shake and splitting time evenly. My recommendation is, as you enter the legal process, document everything on paper. Your history of consistently paying child support, the fact your boy wants more time with dad, etc. More data = better chance of proving (without emotion cluttering up the process) it would be best to split the time 50/50.
Best of luck, will keep you in my prayers!
-Beard
‘visitation’ is arguably one if the vilest words in the parenting dictionary. The thought that I get to ‘visit’ my kids makes me sick at my stomach. Unfortunately dads today are being punished for other boy’s mistakes and the family court system which touts itself as having the child’s best interest in mind is really only concerned with moving the docket along.
I’ve used two separate attorneys in my divorce life and both were adequate at best. Once they sense the well is running dry they start pushing settlement.
Lastly there is the financial incentive based upon time with the child. Ergo, it urges one parent to push for a primary custody agreement instead of joint because of the potential loss in child support. And all it takes is once bad dad to erase the hundreds of good one and become the shining example of why e system should remain as it is.
Good luck in your quest.
Thanks CP. I appreciate you taking the time to stop by and comment. I like the attorney I have now (as much as you can like an attorney) but I sometimes don’t think he’s being aggressive enough – especially when we are presented with ‘opportunities’ to help our case.
The idea that I have to request ‘visitation’ with my son makes me want to vomit, but you’re right – a few bad apples (or, maybe a lot of bad apples) ruined it for dads that actually want to play a role in their children’s lives. It’s an uphill battle and one that I think it worth it, but like Erin said – can’t let the children get stuck in the middle.
That is one of the resons I’ve decide to “tough” it out for 5 more years.1~ my youngest graduates h.s. in 4 yr. 2~ the house is paid off in 5 yrs and 3~ I’ve watched families trying to do the two family thing for senior year and it is oh so difficult
The laws in FL have changed (where I am too) and you’re right having the kind of lawyer who is a shark nfortunately is a must
do keep us posted
your triber~Lady Bren
As a mom who deals with a DB dad, my heart goes out to the men like you who have to fight tooth and nail to spend time with their kids. I’d do just about anything to have my ex want what you’re fighting for….but I can’t change him. I’ll be sending you good thoughts that you come through this and will be a shining example of what a GOOD dad is, regardless of ‘status’.
Thanks so much, Lisa. I know a lot of women go through exactly what you went through. My JenB did and all she wanted was the same thing you did – for the father to be a positive presence in his life.
I share custody of my son with his BD on a loosely worded parenting plan that allows us to set our own parameters. We have chosen a reasonable 50/50 schedule for the last several years that works well because we are BOTH willing to make it do so. I would have to say, however, that a 50/50 schedule is not ALWAYS ideal and could be very damaging to a child based on a few circumstances, including distance, parental relationship, and the age of the child (to name only a few). Going through a modification can be just as frustrating and life-sucking as the initial divorce (in my experience) and I hope it goes well for you.